Julia Monson | Blog
70
blog,paged,paged-60,ajax_fade,page_not_loaded,,select-child-theme-ver-1.0.0,select-theme-ver-3.2,wpb-js-composer js-comp-ver-4.12,vc_responsive

I’LL NEVER BE A MERMAID

Opening my twitter feed and
Oh, you’re reading Fifty Shades of Grey?

& you
ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT CAN NOT PUT IT DOWN 
#OMG #MARRYME.  
All you know about Mr. Christian Grey is that he’s a billionaire, and is repeatedly described as: 
So0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o00o0 hot”. 
The minute I mention the fact that he may be this scrawny tall fuckin’ grey eyed loser boy you all get pissed like,
“NO JULIA, HE LOOKS LIKE CHANNING TATUM BUT WITH DARK HAIR AND SHIT.”  
 Anastasia can not take her eyes off the dreamy business man. Not to mention his annoying tendency to completely run her life. Look at him in front of his helicopter, studd. Look at him and all his fancy shiny ‘toys’. Dreamy. Look at him and all his things. So hot. Go yell at your boyfriend for watching porn and then cuddle up in the rain reading your unrealistic fantasies of Mr. Grey. Bo-ring. 

My nine year old sister spent the entire fucking day watching the Family channel and honestly it’s more evil than all the Disney movies I grew up watching combined. 
There’s one thing to be said about Ariel in the Little Mermaid and how she sells her fins and voice for love, 
but there’s something larger to be said about the fact that 
I’LL NEVER  BE A FUCKING MERMAID. 
Now I have to watch my sister gobble up all the hair spray and make-up Selena Gomez is wearing on a regular school day. 
She never, not once, wears the same thing twice. 
How about all those flashy dance numbers and auto-tune on “Shake it up” and don’t get me started on the 
MOTHA FUCKIN LAUGH TRACK
It has been 6 hours and not once has the 9 year old so much but smiled. Nothing on these shows are funny, stop putting in the laugh track every 6 seconds. 
I went to the dollar store today and some chick butted this other chick and it was all like:
BITCH COME IN THE PARKING LOT IF YOU WANNA DO SOMETHIN’.” 
Then I thought to myself, wow, 
what if I just snapped my fingers and suddenly everyone was high off marijuana? Everyone in the world! At first I thought,
WHAO NO JULIA TOTAL CHAOS
but then I thought, maybe not? Drivers would probably be scared shitless, but at least they’d all be driving on the defensive, no? Grocery store junk food aisles would probably suffer, and maybe then the laugh track on the family channel wouldn’t be completely useless. 
I wouldn’t have to see those broads at the Dollar store fighting and instead we’d all be like
 WTF DID YOU KNOW THEY SELL THESE AT THE DOLLAR STORE? 
And we’d purchase seventy-five of whatever-the-fuck-that-is.

FIN.

jm !

Read More